The Realm of Restless
My near-death experience
shattered my world. It shook me into remembering
spirit and other dimensions of life, which I
had known as a child but had forgotten so that
I could fit into society. I feel the jerking
of the ambulance as it rushes me through the
dark streets of Marseille to the hospital. Twenty-four
hours have passed since my underground abortion
with a feuseuse d'anges, an "angel maker."
Abortion is illegal in France now, and many
women die because of the unsanitary conditions
of the procedure. I am only twenty-four years
old, a young nurse. Am I dying? Am I outside
myself observing? I see my body and its pain.
I look at my feet; they are pale and lifeless.
My legs cannot move. My face is white and drawn.
I watch as the walls of the ambulance dissolve.
I see the lights of the city speed toward me.
I can see the stars! What am I doing up so high?
Why does everything look so small all of a sudden?
Memories pass before my eyes as in a movie.
momentarily returns to her body.]
I see family members at the foot of my bed
through a haze. Suddenly they disappear. From
where they stood I see faces rushing toward
me with incredible speed. They race toward my
face, expanding then dissolving. Face after
face washes over me! I am terrified. I'm drifting.
I'm unable to keep my eyes open.
Who are these people?
Some I recognize as people I've known who have
died. Others I do not recognize.
"Stay away! Where
is my family?"
whole room is filled with spirits! They hover
near me and look into my eyes. I try to push
them away. I fight them. The experience seems
to go on forever. These are spirits who are
restless. Their faces are twisted with pain.
They seem lost. It's frightening to see them
walking back and forth around my bed. And now –
spirits with glowing faces come close to me.
They reflect a gentle and powerful light, reminding
me of the pictures of beautiful angels that
I love so much. I feel nurtured and loved by
them, and enveloped by their luminescence. These
beings are made of light, and even though their
brilliance is intense, I am not blinded. Tremendous
compassionate love surrounds me!
Now – I am filled
with the essence of love and compassion. This
magnetic power is filling every atom of me.
I have never before experienced such depth and
power of love. I am the power of love! Merging
into an intimate dance wherein all boundaries
have disappeared, I feel myself one with these
beings of compassion.
No words or sounds
are being exchanged, and yet communication is
A strong presence
assures me, "Yes, you are dying to the
world of men. But to us you are being born.
Do not be afraid. You have always been with
us; we have always been with you. We know you.
You just fell asleep during your time on Earth
and forgot who you are. Now you are remembering."
Revelation fills my
awareness – of course, yes! I am of the
Beings of Light and they are of me! What is
this new surge of energy? It begins as a very
gentle vibration rising through the length of
my body, from my feet to the top of my head,
but now my whole self is vibrating. I hear buzzing.
It is growing louder, and now the vibration
and the buzzing are becoming one.
I feel such a wonderful
release! I'm free! I can't resist this new and
wonderful tide of energy sweeping my body upward.
Now I'm on the hospital room ceiling gazing
down! Everything appears so small: I see my
bed; my body looks small and colorless; the
people around the bed are tiny. Overwhelming
grief and sorrow fill the room, and yet I feel
completely disconnected from the scene below
me. I hover nearer and look at the strange form
lying on the bed. I feel compassion beyond words.
I understand everything, but I have no feeling
of attachment to anyone. I look at each person
standing at the bedside and feel tremendous
I want to say to them, "I'm
all right. You don't have to worry. I'm all
right. Look at me! I'm fine!"
I am love; I am understanding;
I am compassion!
My presence fills
the room. And now I feel my presence in every
room in the hospital. Even the tiniest space
in the hospital is filled with this presence
that is me. I sense myself beyond the hospital,
above the city, even encompassing Earth. I am
melting into the universe. I am everywhere at
once. I see pulsing light everywhere. Such a
loving presence envelops me!
I hear a
voice say, "Life is a precious gift: to
love, to care, to share."
Seeing a World
Questions race through
my awareness: Why is there so much pain in the
world? Why are humans made of different colors?
Why with different creeds? Why with different
A vision appears. I see our
world from the vantage point of a star, or another
planet. Earth appears as a sphere cut in half.
The surface of the planet is flat and colorless.
The ground is bare. No living plant grows from
the Earth. Tree branches are naked. There are
no fruits, no flowers, no leaves. The barren
hills are obscured behind a gray veil. It is
a passionless place where no one rejoices at
the sunrise, and no one knows when night comes.
Naked phantom-like people stand on what seems
to be a stage. All the actors are puppets animated
by an invisible force. They move in unison and
stop all at once.
On one side of half
of the sphere, a sun attempts to shine upon
the stage, but no one pays attention or makes
a sound. Even the birds in the dead trees are
silent and motionless. The other side of the
half sphere is in darkness. I watch as the darkness
grows with frightening speed and covers the
whole planet. No one pays attention. Now the
darkness covers the sunlight, and now it covers
all the bright planets in the universe.
"This is the
world with the absence of light, love, and free
will," the voice states. "It is the
people's choices that created the world you
have just seen."
With these words,
the nightmarish world begins to dissolve and
is replaced by the other half of the planet –
a place of vibrant, breathtaking beauty. I perceive
how the Earth, the sun, the moon, the darkness,
the light, the planets, and all forms of life –
plants, rocks, animals, people – are interconnected;
they come from the same source of light. Everything
is united by a transparent net, or web, and
each thread shines with great radiance. Everything
pulses with the same luminosity – a magnificent
light of unparalleled brilliance.
"From the light
we have come, and to the light we all shall
return," continues the voice.
I realize now I have
been standing in the middle of the two worlds.
And with this understanding, an image of the
path I have been walking appears. It is narrow
and rocky; I have the sensation of losing my
balance. I grow afraid of falling into the darkened
planet. Free will! With the remembering, I gaze
at my invisible feet. The narrow path changes
into a wide road. The darkness is replaced by
forget." I hear the voice say.
Merging with the light,
I am so overcome with gratitude and overwhelmed
by the love that fills me that I cry.
Suddenly, time and
space are different again, and I am momentarily
aware of my body.
I am aware that the
window to the left of my bed is filled with
vibrant, powerful light. It seems to be calling
me and pulling me toward it like a magnet. I
hear the buzzing again, and ... Whoosh! I'm
zooming through the window! I merge with the
light! I am the light, and the light is me.
"From the light
we have come, and to the light we shall all
return," repeats the voice.
What a joy to bathe
in this incredible all-knowing, all-loving...
I can travel through
walls, ceilings, and space at amazing speed!
I visit my son, Philippe, who is only four.
A tremendous power
moves me. I am boundless, formless, no longer
controlled by my emotions. I am everything.
Everything is me!
I'm back in the hospital
room. A mist coming from the door facing my
bed attracts my attention. In the middle of
the vapor is a being with the most heavenly
smile. Jean Pierre! It is my cousin, Jean Pierre!
I am overwhelmed with joy. As I gaze at Jean
Pierre, the hospital room disappears. We are
suspended in midair. There are no windows or
doors, no ceiling or ground. A brilliant radiance
fills all space. He slowly approaches my bed
and bends to kiss me. I feel the moisture of
his lips on my face, the weight of his body
against mine, the gentle touch of his hands
Jean Pierre is the
brother I never had. After a long and painful
battle with lung cancer, he died two years ago
when he was only twenty-two. I am still grieving
his passing. How wonderful to see him again!
And what is this? He is wearing his butterscotch
jacket. This jacket has been the subject of
many discussions. He loves it; I hate it.
"How did you
know I was here?"
My question is a thought
not yet put into words as Jean Pierre answers, "We
know everything about you, and we welcome you."
Such a warm feeling
of peace! I am complete – whole! I am
free of pain and fear. There is no past or future –
everything is! There is no need to speak to
be understood or to communicate. I feel serenity
beyond anything I have ever known. And joy of
joys: I can fly! I swirl easily and with great
speed around my cousin in a playful way, expressing
the ultimate joy that is me. Everything is the
way it should be. Never have I felt so clear,
so complete, so loved. I gaze at myself: I am
whole and healed! I can interact and play with
Jean Pierre with my natural vigor. Familiar
Beings of Light are here, too. I immerse myself
in their loving presence. It's as if they are
protecting me and carrying me. We are all interconnected.
I relax into the timeless joy. What a glorious
feeling! I want to be here forever. Jean Pierre
is gazing at me now as the other beings begin
to depart. His dark eyes are filled with great
tenderness and purity. He turns to leave with
the others, and I plead with him to take me
with him. His eyes fill with sadness.
he responds. "There is much, much work
for you. You have to go back and tell them.
Life is a precious gift. Each moment is filled
with great opportunities. Don't waste your time
on Earth. Spread love and understanding. We
will always be with you – guiding you,
protecting you, awaiting the time when we will
be reunited – when your work on Earth
I watch as Jean Pierre
dissolves into the same brilliant light with
which he had entered. The light is fading away,
The room is empty
now. My grief is intense. I start to cry out
of desperation and loneliness.
Suddenly, I'm back
in the hospital in bed. I am fully aware of
my surroundings and my physical state of being.
Tubes are implanted in my body. The pain is
overwhelming. My sadness is intense. I am so
weak I cannot speak. I have lost my voice, and
the doctors are alarmed by the tears which are
using up the strength I need to recuperate.
Crying is all I want to do! My body feels like
a suit that is too tight; the room is confining;
the smell of sickness surprises my senses; the
human condition saddens me.
back!" I recognize my sister's voice. I
see her careful gaze. "You've been in a
coma for three days. We didn't know if you were