Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandpa did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
When I go to heaven, I want to see my Grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and that old-man smell.
I sure will be glad when scientists discover a cure for Natural Causes.
When you die, if you get a choice between regular heaven or pie heaven, chose pie heaven. It may be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmm boy.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!
I just read a list of “The 100 Things To Do Before You Die”. I was pretty surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth — that most of us go to hell and burn eternally — but I didn’t want to upset him.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say “in Jesus name, amen.”
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him… a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll stand up and go, “Hey, I’m Vine Man.”
Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
If you’re ever giving a speech, when you start out, act nervous and get mixed up a little bit. Then, as you go along, get better and better. Then, at the end, give off a white, glowing light and have rays shoot out of you.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”
Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.
Lying in a hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, “Do you have something you would like to say?”
The man nodded to the affirmative and the priest handed him a pad and pen. The priest said, “I know you can’t speak, but write a note and I will give it to your wife. She’s waiting just outside.”
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man scrawled his message on the pad and stuffed it into the priest’s hands.
Moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
“Here are your husband’s last words. He wrote them just for you.”
The wife tearfully opened the note which read: “Get off of my oxygen hose!!”
Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of Earth, they would be given one chance to become anything they desired.
The first man ran to the edge of the cliff and jumped into the air shouting, “I want to be an eagle.” Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.
The second man ran to the edge of the cliff and jumped into the air shouting, “I want to be a falcon.” Instantly he was changed into a falcon and soared off into the sunset.
The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock and shouted, “Oh crap.”
A man died and went to the gates of heaven where he met Saint Peter. Peter said to him, “I have looked at your Book of Life and you are welcome into heaven under one condition.”
The man replied, “Yes, Saint Peter. And what is that condition?”
Peter said to the man, “You must spell the word: love.”
So the man spelled the word, “L – O – V – E” then Peter admitted him into heaven.
As the man walks in, Peter tells the man to watch the gate until he returns. Peter had something to discuss with the Lord. Peter reminds the man that he must ask whoever comes to the gate, to spell the word.
After a short period of time, the man’s wife shows up at the gate.
“What are YOU doing here?” he demands of her.
“Well,” she said, “on the way home from your funeral, there was an accident and I died.”
The man told her, “Alright, but before you enter heaven you must be able to spell a word.”
“What word is that?” she asked.
“Czechoslovakia,” he said.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed.”
A priest died and went to heaven. There, he is greeted by a reception committee.
After having a whirlwind tour of heaven, he is told he can enjoy any of heaven’s available recreations.
The priest decided he wanted to read all of the ancient original texts of the Holy Scriptures to understand their true literary meaning. So he first learned all the languages necessary to accomplish this: Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek and Latin.
After becoming a linguistic master, he went to the heavenly Temple of Knowledge and began to scrutinize the original Biblical texts.
All of a sudden, the priest could be heard crying out loud in the Temple. Angels quickly came to help him, only to find the priest huddled in a corner, crying and muttering to himself, “An ‘R’! They left out an ‘R’.”
One of the angels comforted the priest and asked him what the problem was. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’ … the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!”
As soon as Mrs. Jones arrived at the gates of heaven, she looked for her husband who had died several years before.
“Excuse me,” she said, approaching Saint Peter, “but I’m looking for my husband. I wonder if you can help me.”
“What is his name?” Peter asked.
“Harry … Harry Jones,” she replied.
Peter stroked his chin, then said, “There are many souls here who have that name. What else can you tell me about him?”
Blurting out the first thing that came to her mind, she said, “Well, the last thing he said before he died was that if I were ever unfaithful to him, he would turn in his grave.”
“Ah!” Peter replied, “you’re looking for Pin-Wheel Harry!”
Three men died in a car accident and met Saint Peter in heaven. Peter told them, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth you will enter heaven. But if you lie, hell is waiting for you.”
To the first man, Peter asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
He replied, “I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.”
Peter replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife, I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.”
To the second man, God asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”
He replied, “I cheated on my wife twice.”
Peter replied, “I will allow you to come in. But for your unfaithfulness, you will only get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.”
To the third man, Peter asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
He replied, “I cheated on my wife about eight times.”
Peter replied, “I will allow you to come in. But for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.”
A couple of hours later, the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.
“Why are you crying?” they asked. “You got the mansion and limo!”
The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago riding a skateboard!”
Two men died and went to heaven. God greeted them and said, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth to be whatever you want to be.”
“Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be a famous movie star!”
“No problem,” replied God. “Poof.” The guy was gone.
“And what do you want to be,” God asked the other guy.
“I’d like to be one cool STUD!!!” was his reply.
“Easy,” replied God. “Poof.” The guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished and God sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” God told the angel, “One of them is in Hollywood and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”
Ted Bundy, the notorious serial killer, died and was greeted by Saint Peter. Peter told Bundy he must choose between three hells.
The first hell is very hot and Bundy saw a lot of people burning in fire. The next hell is freezing cold and he saw people shivering and clamoring. In the third hell, Bundy saw people standing in crap up to their waist but they looked quite happy. They were drinking a cup of coffee and were chatting with each other. So Bundy told Saint Peter, “I choose the third hell where all the people are standing in crap up to their waist.”
So Peter admitted him to the third hell. Bundy then got a cup of coffee and felt quite comfortable. Suddenly, he heard a voice from a loud speaker saying, “Attention. Attention. Coffee break is over. It’s time to stand on your head now.”
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were very big baseball fans. They attended every game they could; and spent their entire adult lives discussing baseball history. During the winter months, they analyzed every box score made during the baseball season. They even agreed that whoever died first, they would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One night, Bob passed away in his sleep. A few nights later, his buddy, Earl, awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course, it’s me,” Bob replied.
“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
Three buddies died in a car accident and went to heaven for an orientation. They are asked, “When you were in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you have liked them to say about you?”
The first guy said, “I would have liked to hear them say, ‘I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.'”
The second guy said, “I would have liked to hear them say, ‘I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in many children’s lives.'”
The last guy said, “I would liked to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”
Forest Gump had a near-death experience which changed his life forever. He decided to go horseback riding one day. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. Gump tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get any worse, his foot became caught in the stirrup. When this happened, he landed head-first to the ground. His head continued to bounce harder as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness … a thoughtful K-Mart manager came out and pulled the plug.
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. Forest meets Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
Peter told him, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance exam to everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass it before you can enter heaven.”
Forest replied, “It’s sure good to be here. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the exam ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test.”
Peter said, “Yes, I know, Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here’s the first one: What days of the week begin with the letter T? The second question is: how many seconds are there in a year? The third question is: what is God’s first name?”
Forrest then went away to think the questions over. He then returns the next day to give Peter the answers.
Peter asked him, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest replied, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter T? Shucks, that an easy one. There are two days of the week beginning with T: ‘today’ and ‘tomorrow.'”
Peter is amazed and told Forest, “That’s not the answer I was looking for, but … you do have a point though; and I guess I wasn’t specific enough. So, I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one’s harder,” Forrest told Peter. “But, I thunk and thunk about it, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Peter replied, “Twelve? Forrest, how did you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest replied, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve seconds in a year: January second, February second, March second …”
Peter interrupted him and said, “Hold on, Forest. I see where you’re going with this. I’ll give you credit for that one too. Let’s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”
Forrest replied, “Well, sure, I know God’s first name. Everybody knows it. It’s Howard.”
“Howard? What makes you think God’s name is Howard?” asked Peter.
Forrest answered, “I pray to Howard all the time. Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name …”
Three knuckleheads died in a car accident and appeared before the pearly gates. Saint Peter addressed the first one, “Before you are allowed to enter heaven you must answer this question. What can you tell me about Easter?”
The first knucklehead looked puzzled for a moment then said, “Oh, I know. That’s the holiday in the Fall when you stuff your face with on turkey and watch football games all day.”
“Wrong!” replied Peter as the first knucklehead disappeared in a puff of smoke. Peter then turned to the second knucklehead and asked him, “What can you tell me about Easter?”
“Isn’t that the holiday in December when you get gifts to people and decorate a dead tree?”
“Wrong!” replied Peter as the second knucklehead disappeared in a puff of smoke. Peter then turned to the third knucklehead who was trembling with fear. Peter asked him, “What can you tell me about Easter?”
The last knucklehead replied, “Well that’s the holiday that occurs in early Spring. It begins on the day Jesus was hung on a cross between two criminals and was made to wear a crown of thorns. He died and they buried him in a cave. Then they rolled a big rock over cave’s entrance to seal it. Then on the third day, the cave was opened and Jesus rose from the dead. So, every year, if Jesus pops his head out of the grave that year it means six more weeks of winter.”
While a preacher was giving a Sunday sermon, all of a sudden, there was a cloud burst. Before the sermon was over, one full hour of complete non-stop rain fell. Everyone began to evacuate when the whole church started flooding. However, the preacher just stood his ground and remained in the church in the ankle-deep water.
A man in a car drove by and shouted through the church doors, “Preacher, you better get out of there before you drown!”
The preacher replied, “Don’t worry. God will save me.” So the man drove away.
When the water was knee-deep, a man in a raft floated over to the church and yelled to the preacher, “You better get in here before you drown!” Despite this second warning the preacher stood his ground and replied, “Don’t worry. God will save me.” So the man rowed away.
The water was now waist-deep and a man in a power boat came to the preacher and said, “You better get out of there before you drown!” Despite this third warning, the preacher stood his ground and replied, “Don’t worry. God will save me.” So the man jetted away.
The water was now over the preacher’s head, so he climbed on the roof of the church. A man in a helicopter flew near and yelled to the preacher, “You better get out of there before you drown!” But the preacher stood his ground and replied, “Don’t worry. God will save me.” With that the helicopter flew away.
The water then became so deep that it covered the entire church and drowned him.
When the preacher appeared before God, he asked Him, “Oh, God! Why didn’t you save me from that horrible flood?”
God replied, “I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter! What else do you want from me?”
A man died and arrived at the pearly gates. The Lord himself came out to greet him. The man asked the Lord about the nature of heaven and hell, to which the Lord replied, “Come, I will show you hell.”
Together they entered a large room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone there in hell was starving and desperate. Each person held a spoon that could reach the pot; but each spoon had a handle that was too long, making it impossible to feed themselves. So, the suffering was terrible.
“Come, now I will show you heaven,” the Lord said.
They then entered another large room which was identical to the first: the pot of stew, a group of people around it, and the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-feed.
“I don’t understand,” the man said. “Why are these people happy and well-feed when the people in hell were so miserable?”
The Lord smiled, “Ah, it is simple,” he replied. “Here in heaven they have learned to feed each other.”
Once upon a time, a circus came to town where some blind religious leaders lived. In the circus was an Elephant, the most powerful and majestic of all creatures. The blind leaders decided to go to the circus to discover what the Elephant was like for themselves. It would be the first time they ventured from their high places of worship, so some circus clowns came and led them.
The first blind man, a Hindu guru, touched the Elephant’s eye and said, “The Elephant is very much like the third eye chakra which must be opened for enlightenment.”
The second blind man, a Buddhist monk, touched the Elephant’s ear and said, “No one can deny that the Elephant is very much like the sutra of palm leaves sown together on which the words of the Buddha were written.”
The third blind man, a Jewish rabbi, approached the Elephant and felt its broad and sturdy side. “I tell you the truth.” he said. “The Elephant is very much like the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem!”
The fourth blind man, a Gnostic theologian, felt the Elephant’s trunk. “No” he said. “The Elephant is very much like the snake of Wisdom in the Garden of Eden.”
The fifth blind man, a Catholic priest, reached out and touched the Elephant’s tail. “Not at all!,” he said. “The Elephant is very much like the string of the rosary.”
The sixth blind man, a Protestant minister, approached the Elephant and felt its tusk. “Why can’t any one of you understand,” he said, “the Elephant is very much like the spear that punctured the chest of Jesus on the cross.”
The seventh blind man, a Muslim cleric, reached out and felt the Elephant’s leg. “Not so!” he said. “The Elephant is very much like the date palm tree that Allah establishes in a sincere heart.”
The eighth blind man, a Philosophy of Atheism professor, approached the Elephant but couldn’t find it with his hands. “You are all wrong,” he said. “There is no Elephant here at all.”
Then the religious leaders began to quarrel fiercely amongst themselves until a fist fight broke out. Then a sideshow freak interceded and explained to them why they disagreed with each other. All of the religious leaders were partly correct; but because none of them could see the Elephant in its entirety, they were all incorrect. If only they could see how immense the Elephant actually was, their differences would disappear, and they would be in agreement about the Elephant. Then they could live forever in peace and harmony.